I prayed last night. That's right, I prayed like I haven't prayed in a long, long time. It's been about a year and a half since I became agnostic. In all honesty, it's been quite hard letting go of the god that I had believed in for so long. And every once in a while, I seem to think that maybe, just maybe, I can believe in him again; last night was one of those times.
I was walking in the forest yesterday evening. I love getting out into nature where I can think and reflect. Almost as soon as I started on my walk, I began to realize how much I missed my relationship, or rather, what I thought was a relationship, with my god and with Christ. Before I knew it, I was begging and pleading that if this god truly exists, that he reveal himself to me.
Probably the easiest way to describe my prayer would be to write it out. Of course I can't remember it word for word, and it was a lot longer than what I am about to write out, but the gist of it is as follows:
"Yahweh Elohim (Lord God), if you are there, please, PLEASE, reveal yourself to me. Please show yourself to me. Notions and ideas are not good enough for me. 'Signs' are not good enough for me. If you are there, I need you to reveal yourself to me in a way that can't be explained away or reasoned away. If you, the god of the bible, are real, then you know what it will take to make me believe again. You know better than anyone how much I loved you in the past. You know that I would have sooner died than deny the name of Yeshua ha Mashiach (Jesus the Christ). And if you are real, you know fully the reasons that I am no longer able to believe in you. So if you are real, please, PLEASE, show yourself to me. Send an angel if you must, but please DO SOMETHING. If you are there, why are you ignoring me? Why would you let me wander in unbelief? You know how much I would love you if I were able to believe in you. If you are there, why are you letting me waste my life in unbelief? Please, PLEASE, if you are there, I need you to reveal the truth to me. A whisper won't be good enough; I need something powerful and undeniable. Please..." and so on and so forth.
That continued on until I got to the top of the hill I was walking. I turned around and headed back down the hill in silence, fully open to the possibility of receiving some kind of answer to my ardent prayer. But the silence continued for the remainder of my walk, interrupted only by the occasional verbalization of my own thoughts and reasonings. I suppose silence, in itself, is an answer.
